How do you tell beloved friends who are rarely in town (and so are you), who wanted to stop by with their children, that I was wrestling with my knowing? You don't. And though such a wrestling match is futile I went at it for hours. How ironic, I argued with myself. I had been growing my knowing, or rather, it has been growing me, since before this breath into this earth realm. And here I was, hours at the edge of night and into morning and afternoon I fought and wrestled until I was exhausted. My knowing was refreshed and clear, as usual. It has no need to fight, and won't. I exhausted myself against it. What a futility. All this time I have lured my knowing, fed it, given it reflection, roaming space, and have allowed it to naturally step ahead of my wiry, analytic and impatient mind. It loves poetry and music. It loves to sing.
When Knowing leads the way it has no use for games or subterfuge. The way is clear. This doesn't mean the way is easy, however. The way might be clear up to Mt. Everest. And that might be the only way you can go to get to where you know your spirit has to go. Knowing is vision of your spirit. You have to pay for everything, give honor to what honors you.
If I see what I see, why fight it? All the troubles of my past come from ignoring the clarity. I know I’m not the only one. I jumped into impossible relationships, I didn't listen. Everyone one of us has stories of what happened when we didn't listen. Hard-headedness runs in both sides of the family. Knowing is patient. It is eternal. It's voice is beyond secular lingo.
Last night I finally found peace with my knowing. I picked up my saxophone for awhile. And then the guitar and found a cool way to make sound in another way. I talked for quite awhile with my Athabascan friend Candyce whose knowing is immense. She made me laugh at myself and led me through speaking everything I thought, even the craziest things. The bindings in myself were then released. My spirit shimmered with itself, freely, as itself. We all put so many conditions on ourselves, from society, our family, relationships and others. I accepted my knowing. I remembered that when I listen and heed the voice of Knowing I am always in the right place at the right time, I make the right decisions. Even the wrestling match became a useful lesson, one I don't need to repeat, though knowing myself, I might wrestle again. Next time, I'll end the match much more quickly, because I know.